tulipss

I wrote this a day or two ago and decided I'd post it publicly here. It's an essay about my not-quite-cat identity. I've never really used Dreamwidth so bear with me haha. We might also post a few comics/zines we've made but I'm figuring out how to do that as they're PDFs @_@ Anyways, enjoy this one.

AM I A CAT - Addressing the Allegations

It has come to my attention that a number of people (by which I mean, exactly one, but they do live in my brain so that makes it very annoying) have been wondering whether or not I’m a cat. So, I figured I’d do some writing about it. I have three goals here:

Attempt to articulate some of these experiences to myself and detangle my run-ins with catness.
Document my experience for future headmates and possibly people outside of the system. I’ve recently become convinced of the value of long and winding essays about strange identities.
Get Winter (aforementioned headmate) off my back.

So Snuf, enough preamble, spill the beans. Are you a cat?

Uh, well, no. Yes? Maybe??? It’s complicated.

Let’s be very clear, I’m a human first. I have relatively few qualms about this. I exist in a human body. I think using a human brain. I would not be writing this if I did not have human fingers to type with.

But that’s not what that question means, obviously. I recognise that it’s a question about personal, internal identity. In my head, am I a cat? Do I experience life as a cat, in some way, whatever that means? Am I a cat, ✨ in spirit ✨?

Slow down, one thing at a time. Am I a cat in my head? No, well, yes, well-

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ My self perception /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

When I visualize myself internally, no, I am not a cat. What I look most like is the character Snufkin from moomins, specifically the 1990s Adventures from Moominvalley version. I have the hat, the green clothes, yes, even the weird little scarf thing. Obviously I am more Snufkin than I am a cat.

…But I’d be lying if I said that’s the full story. I may have watched and introjected from that show, but I have also read and introjected from fanfiction. Not any one of them in particular, but a vague aggregation of “fanon” in my mind. And in fanon, yes, Snufkin is often written and drawn to be more catlike. And that includes, yes, a tail. And yes, I do have a tail.

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ The tail /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

Yes, yes, I have a tail. It’s not really a cat tail, honestly, but it is a tail. It’s pretty thin and a little bushy at the end, quite long. And yes, years of roleplaying Warrior Cats has done a number on my psyche, and I definitely emote using the tail. When I’m annoyed, I flick it, when I’m scared, it fluffs up. All in my head, of course.

I also have a few other catlike perceptions in my mind. Sometimes my eyes are quite catlike, but not always. I sometimes have sharp teeth, but also not always. Never do I have cat ears, never do I have claws. My hands aren’t quite human? But they’re definitely not catlike either. No claws. Just a vague sense of fluff. Sharply shaped, not round like a paw.

There you go, now you know what I look like. Half a catboy shaped like a tree. You’re welcome.

…But to what degree does that all make me a cat? We must dig deeper, surely, or the mystery will never be solved. Let’s roll it back to that tail flicking thing.

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ Behaviours /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

So yes, my tail definitely makes up a part of my internal catlike behaviour. And yes, there’s more.

The most obvious thing might be that I purr. Weird one, uhh… Well it’s really that simple. Internally, I purr when I am content and relaxed and safe. Externally? Well. Yes. I also purr. Or at least try to imitate a purr of sorts. Not often, not as often as I purr in my mind. But sometimes I get a joyful moment to myself. I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Purrrrr.

(It’s an awkward one ^-^”)

I’m a very low-energy person, and I feel like this is connected to the catlike parts of my identity. I see cats as very sleepy. More on that later, but it’s worth noting.

When I stretch out my arms, I do visualize it in the ways cats stretch. I’m not sure how exactly that checks out with a human body plan, even internally, but like, back arched, I guess? It’s minor, all things considered. This is usually where the sharp teeth show up. Big yawn, sharp teeth, all that.

I slow blink on occasion. I knead the blankets. I think I’ve hissed once or twice. Only internally, and only at Winter, though. It’s a new thing.

This might be the point where you’re asking, wow Snuf, so you’re telling me that you purr and make biscuits and hiss? So you’re a cat, then?

…Well.

If you think that’s enough to be a cat, then suit yourself. But I think it’s a relatively limited view of cats, all things considered. Let’s talk animality.

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ I don’t hunt /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

I’m going to ramble about my headmate for a little bit. Humor me. I think comparison isn’t strictly useless.

Winter is a rabbit. She looks like a rabbit, she acts like one. She carries with herself this air of animality. This bleeds straight into how she experiences the world. Her ears are everpresent, projected over her body. When she hears something- she turns them.

She thinks of social interactions in terms of “fellow herbivores who mean no harm to me” and “predators who want me dead.” She is often confused or amused by human norms. She walks a little funny. Winter feels uncomfortable in our body, not solely because of gender or a mismatch in appearance, but because it’s human in the first place. She wants to eat lettuce, even when our very body revolts at the thought (arfid).

This is very easy for me. I don’t experience this sense of animality. I don’t hunt, I don’t want to hunt. Never do I particularly crave mice or raw meat as a cat might. I’m not alert to danger the way cats are. Human norms feel strange sometimes, but never because they are human. Only because they are neurotypical, because they are heteronormative, cissexist, what have you. In this sense, I am no cat.

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ Sleep /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

Okay, so. Let’s jump from what makes me least a cat to what makes me most a cat. Sleep.

To make a long story short, we have a fuckton of trauma around sleeping. We have found exactly one successful way of coping with this, of being able to fall asleep half decently without dread and flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. We pretend to be a cat.

And I do use “we” intentionally here. I didn’t come up with this tactic. We’ve always associated cats with sleepiness. The logic goes, if a cat is sleepy, it is cute and safe. If we are sleepy, it’s a recipe for disaster and danger. So if we simply become a cat, we are safe.

I’m arguably a lot better at this than anyone else. That sense of animality? Okay, yeah, when I fall asleep as a cat I often feel it. But it’s a conscious choice. To borrow some alterhuman terminology, I experience a “shift” of sorts when I fall asleep. Often I choose to visualize ears, I choose to think of myself as truly a cat. And if all goes well, I become that. It’s like shapeshifting. It’s not permanent. It’s a choice I make. An action I perform.

I’m not even sure if I truly consider that state “me”?

I don’t think of the cat form I take when I fall asleep as “how I look” the same way I do my usual appearance. It’s not my behaviour the way my behaviour when I’m awake is.

None of that is intrinsic to me the same way. To my ✨ spirit ✨

I’ve found some solace in the terms “copinglink” and “otherlink.” I enjoy them as verbs. I link as a cat. Something like that.

/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ Conclusion /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

Am I a cat?